The Sisters

Monster Birthday Party

Cake Eating

Photo credit goes to Uncle Gerard

Boss Turns One

I can't believe that my baby boy is one. It seems like yesterday that I was waiting in line at the check in counter at the airport getting for our flight to Michigan, saying over and over in my head, "I can't believe its a boy. I can't believe its a boy."My heart pounding, adrenaline rushing, eyes aching from the night of being too anxious and excited to sleep. Praying that they will let us check in the carseat I am holding, as it is a constant reminder that we might be bringing it back empty. What will he look like, will the phone ring that she has changed her mind already, Matt, please check yours, again, just in case.  At the counter now. Thank You Jesus, they take the carseat. Why do you have a carseat and no baby, she asks. "Its a boy. And I can't believe its a boy."

The first flight. I pray. I pray the prayer I will be praying over and over the next week plus. "Please. Please. Please." Breathe. Breathe. Wondering if she will like me. Will she look at me and breathe a sigh of relief, "There. There is his mother." Or will she look at me and think this is all a big mistake. I am a stranger. She doesn't know me. This all happened so fast, she has never even spoken to me. Never heard my voice. Will my voice be okay? What will he look like? How much does he weigh? The adoption specialist said she didn't know any of his details like that. Just that he is a boy. A boy. I can't believe he is a boy.

I know I should trust. I say the words. "Jesus I trust in You." Over and over. Then "Please. Please. Please." Because that is all I am right now. That is where I am right now. So I invite Him there with me. 

Layover. Is he with her? Is he alone in the nursery? I hope he is not alone. I hope he is with her, getting to know her. Will he like me when I see him? I am so afraid of being Other. Will I be Other to him. Will he be able to see me, feel me, know me, or will I just be stark white after familiar, comfortable, beautiful black. Other. What if he cries because I am Other, and she changes her mind? Check the phones again. Nothing. Please. Please. Please.

Next flight. Almost there. I know I should sleep but I can't. Matt never lets go of my hand. Please. Please. Please. A boy. What will I do with a boy? Will I be able to love a boy as much as I love my girls? I do girls well. I know girls. My girls are my life all wrapped up in pink bows. No pink bows this time. Will I be a good mom to a boy? Will I be a good mom to him? I know his name. It has been pressing from behind my heart, but I am too scared to say it. There never was any other name. I can't. I can't say it yet. Check the phones. Please. Please. Please.

Michigan. Hot. Late. Lost. Does she still want us? Yes. Let's go find this hospital. More lost. More late. Sweating. I flip down the mirror of the rental car, and I look tired and sweaty. Other. Please. Please. Please. We find the town, and stop in a store to get flowers before going to the hospital. Flowers. What flowers do you get for someone who is changing your life forever? For the only other person in the world who will love this boy as much as you two do? For the one whose world will be shattered when yours is completed? We got pink. 

The hospital. Please. Please. Please. My heart was pounding as we went through the doors. Up the elevator. As the elevator door opened on the maternity floor, the pounding stopped. My mind stopped. The Please stopped. 

The tears started.

Tears. They trickled at first, then when we got to the nurse station and she said, "You must be the parents," they flowed and I started shaking. Shaking so bad that the water in the vase was splashing over the sides. 

The room. Them. Beautiful them. You. 

A boy.

Their boy.

Our boy.

My boy.

Bosco.

Thank you, A and K.

Thank You, Jesus.

4th of July

Our first 4th of July together as a family. Last year we were back in Michigan with the dude. Boss loved the fireworks like a true boy. Verity also liked them for the first time this year, but her favorite part of the day was dancing on the deck outside to the country music that Uncle Paddy was playing. Geth wanted nothing to do with the fireworks, and just wanted to snuggle with me on the couch inside instead and deliciously chat my ear off about her new baby "Four" (don't ask.) In case you were wondering, Four loves to eat, is still hungry, no those white things in her mouth aren't teeth, they are cheerios shoved in and she is still chewing, she loves pink, she only loves pink, and she welly welly needs lotion on. I love this girl. She was convinced to give the fireworks a try at the very end of the show because Uncle Paddy found a pink firework that he set off just for her. She liked it, but clarified that it was only because it was pink.

Boy, does this boy love his mama. Lucky me.